On The Inside Page 5

  “Listen to what you just said there. You’re not a quitter,” Megan said. “Think about what that means. You made a major mistake, and you’re paying for that mistake and hope to make things right. You’ve stopped drinking and are in counseling. You’re doing all you can.”

  No matter how she tried, Kristen couldn’t forget the memory of delicious wine. It teased the corners of her mind, clawed at her with its constant nagging desire. Even after all these years.

  “I’m not sure I could not drink if I were on the outside. I mean, I’ve been able to kick it because I’m in here. I don’t have a choice.”

  Nodding Megan added, “But you’ve said you like the way being sober makes you feel, that you have a clear mind and see things from a better perspective. If you kept that forefront in your thoughts I’ll bet you could do it. And with each year that passes it will get easier.”

  “I guess you’re right. Not drinking doesn’t bother me as much as it did last year. It’s just when I’m stressed, that’s when I want it most.”

  Kristen shrugged and decided to lie back down. She closed her eyes. “I don’t want to upset my kids by writing them, but I can’t lose them either. I think I’ve already lost Jeremy. If I lose my sons I’ll have nothing to live for.”

  Kristen felt sorry for herself. She didn’t receive visitors and only got regular mail from Jeremy’s sister Olivia. Her own parents hadn’t even come to the sentencing, preferring not to be embarrassed in public by the sight of their only child in an orange jumpsuit and shackles.

  “You have you to live for,” Megan offered, interrupting her thoughts.

  Kristen sat up and looked into Megan’s eyes, a confounded look on her face. “I don’t even know who that is anymore.”

  Megan got up, their visit soon coming to a close. She put her hand on Kristen’s shoulder. “Well, that’s what we’re here to find out… together.”

  Chapter 8

  Lakeisha headed to the employee cafeteria to meet Megan for lunch. She’d made a point of eating healthier now that she was pregnant, but still hadn’t told anyone of her condition. It had been difficult to conceive, and she wanted to wait until she was further along to share the news.

  After selecting her food and paying, Lakeisha sat down next to Megan.

  “Salad?” Megan asked. “I thought you hated salad.”

  “I like it just fine. Trying to eat better.”

  “That’s cool.”

  “How’s that boyfriend of yours? The one you haven’t kicked to the curb yet?”

  Megan grinned. “You make me sound awful. I’m not. It’s just too many of the guys I’ve dated are pains. This one’s good. Gives me space, but is there when I want him.”

  “Uh huh,” Lakeisha teased. She loved ribbing Megan about her men. One of them would get her to settle down eventually, but for now she seemed committed to her patients. “You having any luck with Abigail? I remember you said she was a unique case.”

  Megan poked at her meal with her fork. “No. And it bothers me. When we’ve met she’s talked about everything but why she’s here. I think we need to discuss that. Everything I’ve tried has failed to elicit any form of meaningful communication.”

  “I’m sure she’ll talk eventually. Just give it time.”

  Warden Laura walked by with her food and sat down at another table. She nodded at Lakeisha and Megan as she passed.

  “She scares me,” Megan admitted.

  Lakeisha laughed. “Why? She’s never done anything to you. That doesn’t even make sense.”

  “I don’t think she likes me.”

  “Girl. She likes you fine. You’re just paranoid.”

  Megan shivered and fluttered her eyes, trying to brush the feeling off. “Must be me. I’m just nuts.”

  Lakeisha laughed harder, almost choking on a crouton. “Now, that was funny.”

  *****

  On visitation day, Jess’ mom showed up and so did Abigail’s parents. They’d both had family come in the past but never on the same day. Jess thought it was fortuitous.

  Jess sat with her mom, listening to the news from back home but kept stealing glances at Abigail’s parents, Gary and Lois.

  Abigail had spoken highly of them. Her dad was a doctor and her mom was a nurse. They’d met in college and, after getting married, had their only child, whom they’d raised to be their princess. She’d been given everything: love, attention, material goods. They’d gone on annual vacations all around the world.

  From what Jess could see, it seemed like they had a perfect life. And a perfect daughter. She was a princess indeed, and that often brought out chivalry in Jess, to the amusement and mockery of her fellow inmates.

  But Jess didn’t care what they thought. She was in love. Abigail still hadn’t told her what she was in for, but they’d become friends. And she seemed to relax in Jess’ presence, perhaps more comfortable with the fact that Jess was gay.

  “Honey, are you listening?” Jess’ mom asked.

  “Huh? Yeah. Sure. You’re sick of the neighbor’s dog using your front yard as a toilet. You should have a talk with her again.”

  Jess returned her focus to her mom, and listened as she prattled on about all sorts of minor happenings. She paid just enough attention to interact with her, while simultaneously wondering what Abigail was talking about with her parents.

  When she watched Abigail, it often felt like time moved in slow motion. Her laughter sounded like wind chimes. And the thing she did with her hair, tucking it behind her ear when it was in her eye, was endearing.

  Abigail’s father caught Jess staring.

  Jess got spooked and looked away.

  Her mom had paused. Luckily, Jess managed to hear the last phrase. “I miss you too, Mom. Think about you every day,” she assured her.

  “Aw, honey. That’s sweet. Oh, you know what I forgot to tell you? I saw your old boss from the furniture store at church. He seems like a nice man. Maybe you could get your old job back when you get out.”

  When she got out, Jess thought. That used to be the thing she wanted most. Now it was what she feared. She didn’t want to be apart from Abigail, even if it meant a lifetime in prison. Even if Abigail never returned her affection. The thought of leaving and going back to her old life made her nauseous. She felt her stomach lurch.

  “You okay, honey?” Jess’ mom asked. “You look a bit pale.”

  Jess had no control over the future. She hated that. “I’m fine, Mom. Probably just something I ate.”

  Time was up, and everyone hugged and said their goodbyes. On the way out, Abigail’s father took another longer look at Jess.

  She could tell he didn’t like her.

  *****

  Lakeisha came by with mail for both Kristen and Lupe.

  “A love letter for Lupe,” Lakeisha said while grinning.

  Lupe snatched it. “Only kind of mail I accept.”

  Lakeisha shook her head and smirked. “And a letter and book for you.”

  Kristen took both, but Lupe quickly grabbed the novel out of her hand. The cover was of a suited man in the center of a sniper’s scope, ready to get taken down. “King of Swords by Russell Blake,” Lupe said in delight. “I think Olivia wants us to have some fun.” She flipped the book over and read the description. “Yep. Now we’re talking. It’s about drug cartels in Mexico, and a super-assassin named El Rey.”

  “Sounds like a badass. Your kind of man,” Kristen said.

  “And he’s Mexican,” Lupe pointed out. “All hot guys are Hispanic.”

  Kristen laughed. She didn’t agree but let her have the last word. She was more interested in her letter.

  Lupe sat down to read hers, and when she was done wore a big smile. Kristen opened hers up and began reading too, and tears filled her eyes.

  “What’s wrong? Bad news again?”

  “No. It’s good news. My oldest son, Ryan, is graduating from high school. Everyone is going to the ceremony and there’s a party afterward. I should be t
here,” she said.

  Lupe seemed at a loss for words for once. Kristen didn’t expect her to know what to say, not having any children of her own.

  “Man. That sucks,” Lupe said. “I feel bad.” She paused, then asked, “What about your sister-in-law? Is she going?”

  Sniffling, Kristen replied, “Yeah. And she promised to take lots of pictures and send them to me, which I’m thankful for, but it just won’t be the same, you know? I knew this would happen, that I’d miss it, but it’s still hard.”

  Lupe gave her a compassionate look. Kristen felt tears welling up again. She’d have to get a better grip on herself. But right then what she needed most was to lie on her bunk and have a good cry.

  *****

  Warden Laura appeared outside Jess and Abigail’s cell. Both women stopped what they were doing and stood up when they saw her.

  “Just checking to see how you two are getting along. I hope this is a good pairing?” Laura asked while eyeing Jess distrustfully.

  “Everything is great,” Jess replied. “Couldn’t be better.”

  Laura looked at her like she was trying to decipher what that meant. It could go either way, Jess thought. She could think she was being cocky or she could think she was being honest. Since she had a history of being a smartass, Jess assumed Laura thought the former.

  Laura looked like she wanted to club her. Jess just smiled back.

  She was being honest this time. She really was.

  “And how are you doing?” she asked, turning to Abigail. “Would you agree with that statement?”

  Abigail nodded yes. “I would,” she said in a soft voice. “Jess is very nice. I’m lucky to have a roommate like her.”

  Laura tsked and it threw Jess off. She was swelling inside like a hot air balloon, ready to float away from the praise.

  “Miracles never cease, I guess.”

  There was an unmistakable look of disgust on Warden Laura’s face. And to Jess’ surprise it wasn’t directed at her. She was glaring at Abigail.

  Abigail hung her head and said nothing.

  As Warden Laura walked away, Jess wondered how Abigail could deserve such an appraisal, a look far worse than she’d ever given Jess. Laura didn’t just look at Abigail like she disliked her. Warden Laura looked at Abigail like the sheer sight of her made her sick.

  Chapter 9

  The time came for Lupe to be released, and Kristen found it bittersweet. Lupe was the only real friend she’d made. Who knew what kind of person she’d end up rooming with next.

  “You keep it together, all right?” Lupe said to Kristen.

  Kristen managed a smile but was getting emotional. “I will,” she replied.

  “I’ll keep in touch. Won’t be back to visit, but soon Olivia’s letters won’t be the only good ones you’ll receive.” Lupe reached out and gave Kristen a hug, something she never did.

  Kristen squeezed her hard and didn’t want to let go. “Good luck. Find the cure for cancer, all right?”

  “I’ll try,” Lupe said, then winked.

  A moment later the officer came for Lupe, and Kristen was alone again.

  She had to work to keep the tears at bay. There was no reason to cry, she thought. Losing people, losing things… it was all a part of life she’d learned, and there was no point in getting upset because it didn’t change anything.

  She’d lost her job, her house, all her possessions. Her parents didn’t keep in touch. She lost contact with her children and her husband. Eventually he’d move on, and she’d lose the last small hope she dared to have.

  In the end, like in the beginning, all that was left was you.

  It was strange to have lost everything and still exist. It was somewhat freeing in a way she couldn’t quite put into words.

  On Ryan’s graduation day, Kristen was depressed. It seemed just yesterday he was a toddler. The years had flown by. At least they did on the outside. On the inside they dragged.

  When Olivia’s letter finally arrived with the pictures, she smiled. He looked so grown up in his cap and gown. She thought of the good times they shared. There had been many. It wasn’t all bad. With renewed enthusiasm, she decided to write him a letter.

  Ryan,

  I’m so proud you graduated high school. I wish more than anything I could have been there. I thought about you all day, hoping you were having a good time surrounded by people you love.

  Aunt Olivia sent me a bunch of photos. You look so grown up! And I hear you have a girlfriend now. That’s wonderful, honey. I’m not surprised, since you’ve always been a serious sort, never one to want to play the field. I hope you two are happy.

  How is Toby doing? I heard he’s been practicing the guitar and that he’s in a band. Olivia says he’s written songs with his friend and posted them online. I sure wish I could hear them.

  I miss both of you so much and hope to see you again one day. I know your father doesn’t want to visit, but now that you’re eighteen, you’re welcome to come on your own if you choose to. I’ll send the papers for you to fill out in case you’re interested.

  Love always,

  Mom

  Kristen kept the letter short. Partly because she wasn’t sure he’d read it and partly because she wasn’t sure what to say. She’d apologized over and over again in previous letters, and Jeremy had told her they didn’t want to hear that anymore.

  There was a time when she could talk to her children all day, never running out of conversation. Now she felt the space between them growing, and she feared if they didn’t communicate soon, they would end up strangers.

  That was something she couldn’t accept. She might have no control over anything now, but she planned to have a life with them in the future, to find a way to be their mother again.

  She didn’t know if Jeremy would ever want her back. She highly doubted it but secretly wished for it at the same time. She found it best not to force the issue. He hadn’t written a third letter, but from her correspondence with Olivia, she knew he continued to read what she sent him.

  Kristen didn’t know what that meant, and she didn’t try to understand anymore. She just lived each day as it came.

  *****

  Jess noticed Abigail gripping the back of her neck and looking miserable, something she tended to do whenever it was rainy outside.

  “You okay?” Jess asked.

  “Yeah. It’s just my neck. It hurts when the weather changes. The family curse.”

  Abigail didn’t talk much about her family. Jess used to think if she shared things about herself Abigail would do the same, but she quickly learned that wasn’t the case. She had to ask direct questions if she wanted to know more about Abigail’s story. And even then Abigail wouldn’t always answer, often choosing to provide generic responses. Jess assumed that was code for “I don’t want to get close.”

  “Your parents, did they have the neck pain too?” Jess asked.

  Abigail sighed. “My parents had it. My aunt had it. My grandma had it. Bad genes, I guess.”

  Jess couldn’t disagree more, but she wouldn’t say it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. If she told Abigail that she loved her or even that she was the most beautiful woman in the world, it could damage their relationship. Megan had suggested being kind and patient, and she had taken that advice to heart. Maybe took it too far this time, as there was no chance her affections could ever be returned.

  “My ex-husband used to fix my neck,” Abigail said, pulling Jess from her thoughts.

  This was the first mention of a spouse. Jess wanted to know more, but hearing of him now caused a tiny pain in her heart.

  “He was a chiropractor,” Abigail added.

  Jess cleared her throat. “You’ve got lots of doctors in the family, huh?”

  “Well, just my dad and my ex-husband. My mom is a nurse.”

  “Like I said. Lots of doctors,” Jess repeated. She felt inadequate in comparison. “You know, I’m no chiropractor, but I’m pretty good at massage. If you need one, I’d b
e happy to help.”

  Without a moment’s hesitation Abigail said, “Would you? Good grief. That would be wonderful.”

  Flabbergasted but excited beyond words, Jess tried to remain casual. “No problem. Let’s see. You could sit on the floor and I can sit up here to reach your neck and shoulders. Not exactly a spa,” she said, grasping for a joke.

  Abigail followed her instruction and sat on the floor in front of the lower bunk. Jess climbed onto the thin mattress and sat behind her, with her legs stretched out, one on each side of Abigail. Jess was careful not to let her legs touch Abigail’s body. She didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable or like anything intimate was happening, even though to Jess it definitely was.

  Jess reached out, hands trembling, and placed them on Abigail’s shoulders. She could hear her own heartbeat pounding in her ears and when her palms made contact, she felt a rush of energy surge through her. Somehow she managed to steady her breathing. “How’s that pressure? Too hard?”

  Abigail gave her a thumbs up. “Nope. It’s just right.”

  “Okay, you let me know if there’s an area that needs more attention.”

  Jess kneaded the muscles in Abigail’s shoulders, lightly at first, but once they were warmed up she went deeper, trying to relieve the pain.

  Abigail let out a small moan of appreciation, and Jess just about lost it. She had to do everything in her power just to remain in control. The whole experience was surreal, like she was in a dream. She had to say something. Had to break the spell.

  “Are you still doing okay? You’re so fragile. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Yep,” Abigail replied. “I just have small bones. My muscles are full of knots though.”

  “I can feel that.”

  Jess continued to press and rub the trouble spots. She could do this all night, she thought.

  After a half hour, Abigail seemed relaxed. “You don’t have to keep going,” she said. “I’ve been known to be a massage hog. Please feel free to stop whenever you’re tired.”