On The Inside Page 3

  Megan nodded, then cleared her throat. “I think the focus here is to learn how to control your anger before it turns to rage. I know that’s a challenge, but if we can figure that out your life will improve a lot.”

  Jess uncrossed her arms and propped them on her knees, resting her head in her hands. Looking at the ground, she said, “Rachel is gone, and I’m here. How’s my life gonna get better?”

  “Well, if you can learn to better control your emotions, your interactions with others will improve. You may or may not get Rachel back, but when you get out, you’ll be prepared to have a healthy relationship.”

  Jess let out a deep sigh and ran her fingers through her short brown hair. She wasn’t ready to accept that she and Rachel might never have another chance. Already exhausted by their short visit, she glanced at Megan. “I guess you’re right. I just don’t know how to do that. I thought Rachel and I were good, you know. I never saw it coming.”

  “She should have broken it off with you first. That’s true. But sometimes people don’t behave as they should, and we have to be prepared to deal with it in a manner that doesn’t negatively affect us. If, for instance, you had handled the situation by having an argument and storming off, which would be expected, it might be possible you could have worked things out later on. Or you might have thought about it some more and decided you didn’t really want to. But you don’t have that luxury now.”

  “No shit. Tell me something I don’t know.”

  There was a pause, and Megan started again. “How about this. Let me ask you a question. What attracts you to a person? How should they treat you?”

  Jess shrugged. “Nice, I guess.”

  “Be more specific. Describe nice.”

  Jess concentrated and said, “I’d want to know they love me, and not just with their words. I’d want their actions to show it too.”

  “What actions would you like to see?” Megan asked.

  “Well, I’d like to have them do little things to make me happy and make me feel special. And I don’t want to have to chase after them.”

  “And why do you feel you have to chase them?” Megan asked.

  “I don’t know. It’s just how it’s always been. I want them so bad and I don’t have patience.”

  Megan paused. “And what do you think would happen if you didn’t chase the next person, if you let things unfold at a natural pace? What if you treated them the way you want to be treated? Do you think they would like that?”

  Jess smiled, exposing her crooked teeth, and her face lit up. “Yeah. I think they would.”

  “And what happens if they make you upset?” Megan asked.

  Jess grinned. She knew the answer to this one. They’d been discussing it the last few visits. “I take a deep breath and count to ten.”

  “Right on,” Megan said, then high-fived her.

  Jess kept smiling. These psych visits weren’t so terrible after all, she thought.

  *****

  Dinner was another forgettable meal. As Kristen accepted her “mystery meat,” mashed potatoes and soggy green beans, she thought about all the nice dinners she’d eaten before. Jeremy had been a great cook, the “grill master” as he liked to be called, but they’d eat out a few times per week too. Not always someplace fancy, although she had fond memories of those evenings.

  There was a Brazilian restaurant she liked near the house, and she’d always order a grilled meat dish called churrasco and a glass of Pinot noir. Or maybe it was a bottle of Pinot. Either way, she would give anything to have a bite of steak right now. Her sister-in-law, Olivia, had never told her where she’d gone out to eat, editing that part out from her letters so as not to make Kristen feel bad. But when Kristen repeatedly asked what restaurants she’d frequented, Olivia finally obliged.

  The silly details of a “you pick two” combo at Panera or a dark chocolate raspberry shake from Godiva meant a lot to Kristen. They reminded her that life was still good somewhere and gave her hope that one day she might have a chance to live in the real world again. Unlike the fifty percent who screwed up, either by accident or on purpose, there was no chance she would follow in their shoes. She couldn’t wait to leave prison and go home.

  “How much stretchin’ you gotta do to work this shit off?” a fellow inmate Kristen hardly knew asked, then sat down next to her.

  “I don’t know if it’s possible to rid one’s system of this toxic poison,” Kristen replied. “You’d probably need an herbal cleanse.”

  Her new friend looked confused. “I don’t know what you talking about, girl.”

  Kristen raised an eyebrow. “You know, from the health food store.”

  Her dinner mate laughed. “The health food store, yoga. That ain’t my thing. Seen you doin’ it out on the yard though. Why you like it so much?”

  Kristen paused. “Actually, I do Pilates. It strengthens the muscles and stretches them at the same time. When I’m done, it’s almost like I’ve had a massage. Then I still like to run and lift some weights.”

  “All right. I feel ya. Maybe tomorrow I’ll come by, and you can show me how to do it?”

  Perking up, Kristen replied, “Sure. I’d love to.”

  On her way back to her cell, Kristen thought back to her Pilates class, her spinning class, the kettlebells workouts. The studio she used to go to was tranquil and clean, in a nice part of town. Everyone who attended was polished and fit. She could recreate a fitness routine here maybe, but polished wasn’t ever going to happen.

  The following day on the yard, the young woman showed up to work out with Kristen. Another girl joined in too, and she showed them some beginner Pilates moves. They started with a Spine Stretch Forward and moved on to the Saw and the Mermaid. A little bit of a challenge without a mat, but they were tough girls. They’d manage.

  Kristen saw Jess playing basketball nearby. She seemed to be watching their small group laughing and having fun. She and Jess hadn’t spoken since “the incident,” and although it looked like Jess was interested in joining them, she continued shooting hoops.

  Maybe if she hadn’t been such an ass, they could have been friends.

  *****

  The next morning, Lakeisha was tired when she arrived at work. She and her husband had enjoyed a date night and then decided to watch a scary movie. Unfazed, he passed out in the middle of it, but poor Lakeisha was terrified. Like a small child, she wanted him to wake up and walk her to the bathroom. Instead, she did the brave thing and headed there by herself. But it had been a fitful sleep, and now at her desk, the exhaustion set in. She hoped to plow through all her incoming and outgoing and just make it through the day.

  As she sorted outgoing, she was surprised to see a letter from Jess. She didn’t usually write people.

  Rachel,

  Just wanted to say hi. And to tell you I’m sorry about what happened. I lost it, you know. I shouldn’t have done that to her. It was wrong.

  What you did to me was wrong too. I treated you well and gave you everything I had. If there was something missing that you wanted all you had to do was ask and I would’ve done everything in my power to give it to you. If I wasn’t able to make you happy, you could’ve told me. You could’ve let me know. You didn’t have to go behind my back like that.

  I’m not blaming you for what happened. That was me, unable to control my rage. I’m just saying it didn’t even have to get that far if you had been honest with me. You could’ve done that.

  Anyway, I’m not one for writing. Just wanted to say that. Heard you two are still together. Hope you’re happy and things work out.

  Goodbye,

  Jess

  Folding the letter back up and putting it in its envelope, Lakeisha felt noticeably more awake. She hadn’t cared for Jess much, but the letter had given her a better appreciation for what took place on both sides of the fence. It was just another reason she indulged in her stories. Better than watching her favorite old soap opera, As the World Turns. Sadly, after a long run, that show
had been cancelled. This one would continue for as long as she was employed here.

  At quitting time, Megan stopped by.

  “What plans does Ms. Megan have for tonight?” Lakeisha asked.

  “Oh, you know. A little of this. A little of that.”

  “So no date then. What happened to what’s his name?”

  Megan shrugged. “He’s around. He’s just too needy. I have a lot of work to do, even when I get home. Research.”

  Lakeisha laughed and shook her head. Megan devoted so much of her time to helping others she forgot to have a life herself.

  Chapter 5

  A few weeks later, there was buzz over visitations. The hot looking guy in the photo Lupe kept over her bed—her boyfriend—had come to visit. According to the others who’d had visitors that day, his picture didn’t do him justice. Word spread, and by dinnertime Lupe had gone from a powerful figure to something of a celebrity. If she wasn’t a criminal, she’d make a great movie star, with paparazzi trailing her every move.

  Kristen brought her tray of food over to Lupe’s table and sat opposite her. They didn’t eat together often, but Lupe didn’t seem to have a problem with the attention. And since not much happened in their world, it would likely continue for weeks, with the story growing and expanding. It wouldn’t be long before rumors of them enjoying conjugal visits passed through the halls. Of course that would be untrue, but embellishments weren’t frowned upon – they were welcomed. Everyone would have loved to have been in Lupe’s shoes. Well, almost everyone.

  “Someone is having a great day,” Kristen said to Lupe.

  “You heard, huh.”

  “Who hasn’t.” Kristen smiled.

  Lupe visibly puffed up. “Yeah. It’s been a while since he’s come to see me. Writes all the time, telling me how much he misses me, what he’s gonna do to me when I get home.”

  Kristen had pushed those thoughts from her mind long ago. There was no point in entertaining them while she had forever to make it through, but the mention sparked an instinctive interest. “I’ll bet you can’t wait to get back to him. The girls are saying he’s an Enrique Iglesias look-alike.”

  “He’s better looking than that, but he’s no singer. Can’t hold a tune to save his life.”

  Kristen giggled. “How much longer do you have?” she asked, then took a bite of food.

  “Six months.”

  Kristen was glad for Lupe, but inside her heart was breaking. She had an eternity left in comparison. She hid her sorrow by holding a smile in place. “That’s great. I’m so happy for you,” she said.

  “You’re gonna make it too. Keep your chin up,” Lupe replied. Her compassionate words took Kristen by surprise. Lupe wasn’t known for saying such things.

  Tears filled Kristen’s eyes, but she willed them to stop.

  Lupe must have noticed the glassy cast. “I know just what you need. Chocolate. You like Snickers?”

  Kristen smiled again. “I love Snickers.”

  “Good. I’ll get you one of mine and give it to you later.”

  With that said, Lupe got up and walked away, her legacy continuing. Everywhere she went, she was larger than life. Magnanimous. Combined with her beauty, Kristen could see why she had such a gorgeous boyfriend. She’d almost have to.

  Later on that day, while munching on the delicious candy bar, mail arrived.

  “Something for you,” Lakeisha said to Kristen.

  Kristen reached for the envelope and said thanks.

  It was from Olivia.

  Kristen,

  Hey. How have you been? Crazy busy here. Cocoa had some tooth problems again, so she’s off to the cat doctor. I’m afraid to find out how much that’s going to cost… Yikes!

  Heard my brother finally wrote you, and that he expressed himself with flair. FYI – he read it to me first and asked my opinion. I told him whatever he had to say was appropriate to write. He kept looking for my input, but you know me. I don’t want to put words in someone’s mouth.

  Are you doing okay? I worry about you.

  Hey, remember that time we were all at the restaurant and those guys were making vulgar gestures at you? How could you forget, right? Anyway, we were just talking about that again. Laughing about how low-key Bob always is, and how he shocked us by standing up and confronting them. I’ll never forget him yelling across the room, asking them to please keep their ridiculous expressions to themselves, and saying that we were a family out to eat and want to be left alone. When they looked stunned and tried to play innocent, he said, “Really? Do you think she’s just going to get up and walk away from her family and take off with you? Why don’t you mind your own business and eat your fucking dinner!”

  I’m dying of laughter all over again as I write this. That was so out of character for him. I swear, that story never gets old. And how about the waitress? I don’t think she found it amusing. If I’m not mistaken, she quickly handed us our check and gave us “the look.”

  Speaking of Bob, he’s been really busy at work lately. He’s here now though and says hello. Cocoa says meow. I’ve read a couple good books recently and have seen a few good movies. I’ll order you a book from Amazon and have it sent. I know how you like to read. And stay in shape. Can you do a few sit-ups for me? I’ve been so lazy lately. Maybe in the future you could be a personal trainer. You never know.

  Spoke to my brother recently. He said Ryan is dating someone. Sounds serious. Can you believe it? I guess you can. I have a vague recollection of being seventeen once. Toby is into skateboarding and playing the guitar. He still has one left of the seven. They sold the others on Craigslist to raise some cash for bills.

  Anyway, Jeremy is still pissed. He’s got a right to his feelings. What’s weird is he says he’s not going to read your letters anymore, but then when we talk on the phone, he tells me what you wrote. I don’t understand him. Then again, he is a man, right? We’ll never know what they’re really thinking.

  Okay, chica, I better run. Dishes are calling me. I try to pretend I don’t speak their language, but it hasn’t worked yet.

  Love ya,

  Olivia

  Kristen set the letter aside. The restaurant tale was a perennial family favorite. It made her smile. She could remember it like it was yesterday. It saddened her to hear Toby only had one guitar left though, as she’d bought him so many. But she supposed when it came down to it, he really only needed one. She was glad he was practicing. Toby was almost a child prodigy. She hoped something more would come of it since it was his dream.

  It didn’t surprise Kirsten that Ryan had a serious girlfriend at such a young age. He’d never been one to hang out in large groups and tended to surround himself with only a handful of close friends. Kristen smiled as she remembered their movie watching times. He would sit through chick flicks with her and seemed to actually like them. Maybe he bought into the romance the way women who watched them did. Or maybe he just wanted to create the kind of relationship he never saw at home. Hey, if he could, Kristen thought, more power to him. She wanted nothing but the best for her oldest son.

  Kristen sat and pondered what Olivia had said about Jeremy, that he was still reading her letters even though he said he wouldn’t. She couldn’t stop writing him if she wanted to, and even though he was pissed, he seemed incapable of completely ignoring her. Perhaps, she thought, it was like a phantom limb. Once an appendage was removed, you still felt the sensation of it being there.

  Maybe they had the same kind of connection.

  *****

  Laura, the prison warden, passed by Lakeisha’s desk. “How are things going here?” she asked.

  Lakeisha cleared her throat. “Very well. No unauthorized items today.”

  Laura nodded and said, “Good.” Then she walked off, moving on to another area before returning to her office.

  Laura was a disciplined woman who took her job seriously. She was respected by all and commanded authority, but she had a soft side as well, although she didn’t s
how it often. She’d shown it once or twice to Lakeisha, but not to Megan. Megan always looked like she was expecting to be scolded.

  Some inmates had been recently released, and there were new arrivals to deal with so Laura had a full day ahead of her. She liked to personally assign cellmates to create harmony if at all possible, something that could make her job easier and reflect how well she ran the place. She took pride in what she did and had an intuitive knack for matching people who would get along. She wasn’t one hundred percent accurate, of course, and fights had broken out, but she was doing better than when she started fifteen years ago.

  Kristen’s cellie had been recently released, and Laura thought it prudent to transfer Lupe to her location until her sentence was up. Jess hadn’t been getting along well with her cellmate either, so Laura had an idea to move that woman to another spot. It could be like musical chairs sometimes. It was all about getting the right balance.

  When the newbies arrived, there was one among them who stood out like a sore thumb. A fair-skinned, redheaded woman. She was thin and fragile, with an unearthly appearance. She looked like a fairy from a children’s story or a maiden from The Lord of the Rings.

  Fully aware of Jess’ aggressive history and personality quirks, Laura assigned the lifer to be Jess’ new roommate. The inmate didn’t know it, but Laura was sending her a message.

  Chapter 6

  The redhead was processed and changed into the drab prison uniform, a faded orange jumpsuit that clashed with her long red hair. She was cuffed and taken to meet her cellmate.

  “Jess, this is Abigail,” the officer said. She glared at Jess and added, “Warden Laura thinks she’ll be a better fit than your last roommate.”

  Jess got the message. Warden Laura expected zero bullshit going forward, and if there was any more, she’d get another violation added to her already rather large C file.